2006 Top Ten

As is my tradition, I will now recap the most meaningful events of the past year, which unfortunately does not include giving birth.

1. Discovering that I was pregnant on, let's see, I believe April 26th, and spending the rest of the year knocked up. Waking up Derek on a Wednesday morning to squint at a pee stick together, then cuddling in bed after we determined that it was, in fact, positive.

2. Moving from Los Angeles to D*yton, Ohio.

3. Losing Ace, my beloved 16- year- old orange kitty, in August.

4. Losing Zock, Derek's beautiful and quirky tuxedo cat, in June.

5. Adopting Kid, our sweet and maternal 9-year-old tabby.

6. Adopting Hermes, our affectionate and rambunctious gray kitten.

7. A very sad loss on Derek's side of the family.

8. Lots of travel: a week in Oaxaca, Mexico; two trips to the Denver area; two trips to NY; exploring the LA area including trips to Catalina and Anacapa Islands and Joshua Tree; a visit to SF and Bri's beach house; our glorious cross country adventure, including

9. The birth of D's daughter. Watching a close friend parent an infant has definitely boosted my confidence.

10. Quitting the job in LA that made me quite anxious and unhappy.


And here are some things I would like to accomplish in 2007:

1. Give birth to a healthy baby, and to feel good about the birth, no matter how it happens.
2. Be the best parent I can possibly be.
3. Simultaneously keep the close, fun, and infinitely enjoyable relationship that I currently have with my husband.
4. Make some local friends. At least one.
5. Make some inroads towards returning to my career, whether it be a paying job, something educational, or whatever.
6. Improve my communication with my mother. (That's probably the hardest one for me.)

But I suppose I should just suck it up and be happy if I get a healthy baby, right?

We survived!

Today we waved goodbye to Mom & Sis right after brunch. Derek's family left on the 26th. Overall, it was a good time and not too stressful, thanks to everyone pitching in and Derek and my master organizational skills! Yes! (And Derek's superb cooking ability.) And thanks to the fact that my parents bought my sister an antique mah jong (who do you spell that?) set for xmas and she taught us all how to play - nothing like a neverending game to keep things from getting too awkward.

My Mom is certainly quite worried that I will go into labor TOMORROW and she will miss the baby's birth, having to drive all the way up from GA or NC. Although we all keep reminding her that the worst case scenario is that she will arrive a few hours after the birth, and that even if she were there she wouldn't be in the room. Nonetheless, she is freaked out about it.

We had an appt with the midwife today, and the good news is that the midwives are contracted with the birth center now, so, barring any complications, I should have a midwife-assisted birth and possibly even a water birth! I am so relieved to have the whole spectrum of birthing options again. As for other news, there is none. At this practice they don't do internal exams until after your due date. However she did observe (as did the chiropractor) that the baby has moved down a bit. While it's not a bad thing, this means NOTHING in terms of when I'll go into labor. What it does mean is that I have a weird squishy bubble of empty uterus right below my rib cage, and that one can feel the baby kicking without simultaneously molesting my boobs.

Hello. It is 6am on xmas eve and I've been awake since 5! I seem to have a bit of pre-baby insomnia. I woke up thinking about how I need to get a garbage can with a lid for the baby's room - on top of the diaper genie. I know, such important details! How will I ever accomplish finding a garbage can???

More desperately, how am I going to negotiate ALL THIS (not the garbage can) with my mother? As the pregnancy goes on, every time I see her I feel completely overwhelmed by her. I think I've mentioned my recurring nightmares where she prevents me from breastfeeding by stealing the baby away while I'm sleeping? (This actually happened to her, which I didn't know until AFTER I started having the dream. She wanted to breast-feed me, and her mother strongly discouraged it.) In reality, she's totally supportive of breastfeeding, that's not the point. BUT, she keeps GIVING me stuff without asking first. I know I sound really ungrateful, but this is obviously bringing up some pretty deep mother-daughter dynamic stuff for me. For example, she had a family heirloom bassinet refinished for me (without asking if I wanted it). This was something that freaked me out b/c since the baby will be sleeping in it as a newborn, there are safety concerns and as his MOTHER it is something that I wanted to pick out myself. (I am the MOTHER here, right? Or perhaps I'm still struggling to convince myself.) Anyway, now she's brought up the bassinet and while it's okay now that I've removed the bumper that surely would have suffocated him in his sleep (I'm only sort of kidding), it's still not exactly what I would have picked out b/c I think he'll outgrow it before we are ready to put him in the crib in his own room. (we were thinking when he goes down to about one feeding per night - maybe at 3 mos or so. my God I have no idea what I'm talking about or what I'm doing.) But even if I have no idea, I have to figure this out for myself.
On a less serious note, she's bought us SO MANY (without asking) cloth diapers from ebay. yes we are planning on using cloth, but USED diapers would not have been my first choice. Perhaps that's silly and I would have changed my mind. But I would have liked her to ASK first.
Ack!
Derek says I have to talk to her about this. But how do I do it without offending her and feeling like an ungrateful wretch, or turning into a psychological 2 yr old screaming for my independence??? Of note, I've historically been the more "independent" daughter. I went away to college at 17 and my parents pretty much left me alone - maybe too much. Now this - a total turnaround.
Merry xmas eve - I'm going to try to go back to sleep now.

two stories about Derek receiving gifts from my family

1. Derek is a firm believer in telling people exactly what he wants for Christmas or birthday, and asking the same of them. That way, he figures you get to avoid having a house full of useless tchotchkes and clothes that you would never wear.

Last year, we spent part of my birthday (the part that didn't involve a butt shot) at the LA MOCA, at an exhibit that included, among other artists, RCrumb. (See included picture.) So when my sister asked Derek what he wanted for Christmas, he said he wanted a book by RCrumb. My sister, who is a bit sheltered and a self-described "Christian" (but not really conservative, don't get the wrong idea), had no idea who or what RCrumb was and had to ask the bookstore personnel to help her locate the book, which she successfully purchased for Derek.

Shortly thereafter, my sister was wrapping her Christmas presents when my Dad picked up the Crumb book and thumbed through it, only to find various cartoons featuring, among other things, oh, graphic portrayals of or*al s*x. And that would be a modest description. My Dad starts laughing hysterically and has a new appreciation for his son-in-law. My sister was a little bit mortified that she'd actually asked someone to find this book for her, but hey, Derek got the gift he wanted!

2. This year, I received one of these figurines from my sister for my birthday. (See image.) Pretty inocuous as far as figurines go, right? But probably not what I would have picked out for myself. So what, it's a gift. My sister asks if I think Derek would like one for Christmas. I say, as diplomatically as possible, "Derek doesn't really like figurines." But she asks Derek directly, he tries to get all tactful and says, "Oh, I think that's nice, I would like that if it came from you." Now, Derek is mortified to know that he will probably be receiving his own figurine for Christmas. But it's his own fault! I tried to give him the easy way out.

Happy Holidays! May you all get what you ask for.

Wishing everyone a great holiday....

We are just waiting for our families to descend. With everything that's been going on lately, we are really looking forward to seeing them. And since Derek and I have been anally organized, we've got pretty much everything done (or at least scheduled). Me being unemployed has definitely contributed to the ease of getting things done ahead of time.

Although most of you have heard the update from my latest doctor's appointment, for those that haven't heard, my 37 week appt was disappointingly uneventful. There I was, hoping for some dilation and effacement, and I wasn't even offered an internal exam! The nurse weighed me, took my blood pressure, and told me the doctor would be in to see me. I say, "I'm 37 weeks, shouldn't I put on a gown?" "Uh, no," she says, and suddenly I feel like this pervert who's all anxious to have the doctor shove her hand up my v*gina. The doctor comes in and says that since I haven't really been feeling any contractions, an internal is unnecessary at this point. Well, I could have insisted, but just didn't feel like asking for it just for kicks. You know. So I have no idea if any progress has been made. In fact, my body has been feeling so mellow lately, that I'm beginning to think I'm in for a long wait. That's okay, I need to just be patient about this. Why am I so anxious to be a sleep-deprived breast feeding machine?

Anyway, I wish everyone a peaceful holiday! Maybe I'll poke back around here with some funny holiday stories.

How long will the home stretch last?

That is the question. I will be officially thirty-seven weeks on Monday, although I think I am thirty-seven weeks today. That means that I am officially "full-term" and the baby can come out safely any time between now and January 22!!! Let's not hold out for January 22, okay? It also means that I am "allowed" to give birth at the birth center (instead of the regular hospital) as of Monday.

I am feeling pretty well. The hip pain is non-existant, thanks to the chiropractor and time. I still get tired and achy more easily than usual, but this is no big deal. I am ALREADY feeling quite antsy about all this "I could go into labor at any moment stuff" and I am really looking forward to the big family Christmas visit as a giant distraction.

But of course I have no signs of going into labor any time in the near future. At my last appointment, my cervix was a little tiny bit effaced, but that was it. I've been having a lot more noticeable "braxton hicks" contractions, and sometimes they like mild period cramps instead of just weird muscle tightening. My next appointment is on Tuesday. Let's all hope for a little dilation here. Or is that really too much to ask at this point? I wish I were incredibly patient. It is hard not to want to be in the next phase, even though I'm terrified of the next phase, the very newborn phase, the stay up all night breastfeeding phase, the holy shit I have no idea how to take care of this thing phase, the my vag*na just exploded phase. I'm homesick for my friends and wish they were around to distract me and then to make me laugh or, um, bring me food after the baby is born.

To answer Bri's question about my medical care, I should know what's going on by my next appointment, but I've taken on a zen attitude about it. I very well may have a caregiver I've never laid eyes on before, but I'm becoming more convinced that anyone who's agreed to work with the birth center is probably not going to shove interventions in my face. It's really out of my control. Derek and I wrote some letters to make ourselves feel better. I didn't want to change care providers or hospitals at this point in the game. Derek is adamantly opposed to having a doula. So be it. It's going to be crazy, I'm sure, no matter what! Hopefully it won't be crazy in a bad way.

Birthday Belly

For those who asked, here is a picture of my very pregnant belly which was taken yesterday. Also included, a gratuitous cute picture of the cats. Enjoy!

trying to let go of my anxiety a little

First of all, I would like to say that there are certain people who will get calls when I go into labor and you should know who you are by now. Unless it is somehow not humanly possible, e.g. a very fast labor that commences at 2 in the morning. Definitely NOT in labor at the moment. And I might not be for up to six weeks from now! Crazy.

Thank you for all of your advice about my doctor/midwife situation. A few things happened yesterday to help me feel better, or at least as though I had more direction, about the situation. First, I ran into a couple from my prenatal yoga class who delivered in the birthing center one week ago. (and saw their newborn - so precious - but they're sort of big, you guys, when you think about them, you know, coming out of you and stuff!) They had such a great experience at the birth center and with the nursing staff there (who are your primary caregivers until you start pushing, no matter who the birth attendant is) that I felt reassured that I would be in a good situation with doctor or midwife. Derek and I decided to write out a very detailed birth plan, and hope that we can safely assume that any decent doctor would be respectful of it. If a complication arises that is so dire we'd need a medical intervention, we would be going in that direction with a doctor or a midwife. So, basically, it feels too hard at this point to go to a completely new medical practice, and I really want to stay at the birth center, so I'm just going to ride this out and hope for the best, meanwhile, try to meet as many of the doctors as possible, just in case. We are writing letters, though, to make sure all the powers that be are aware of our reaction to the situation.

Despite all your wise comments and my reassuring him that he really doesn't have to be superman and "do everything", Derek remains quite insistant that he does not want to hire a doula. And since I see this as primarily a service that would support him (I want him to be MY primary support no matter what), I have to step back and respect his wishes. He's taking the whole situation quite seriously and even reading up on how to provide labor support and practicing different things with me, etc, and I do have complete faith in him. If he wants to do his part "without a net", that has to be his decision. So I'm letting go of that, too. I do sort of wish someone like my sister, for example, would just happen to be in town when the baby comes so that we'd have a back up, like Bri says. She could run and get us food or come in the room and hold me up or rub my back when Derek's arms get tired. Without being a stranger. But we'll be OK either way.

Most of all, what I realized yesterday was that this is a situation over which I have very little control no matter what, and my anxiety is not creating the atmosphere into which I would like to welcome my baby. This is not a dire situation, so I need to let go a little. One way or another, we will bring you into the world safetly, little one.

What would you do?

This is becoming quite repetitive, but it is the source of anxiety dreams that wake me up at night and prevent me from falling back to sleep at 4am, so I'm soliciting thoughts, advice, wisdom, etc. from anyone who stumbles across this post. I'm sure I'm focusing all my impending-baby anxiety on this one point, but so be it.

As everyone knows, I really want as little intervention as possible at the birth, because that is what feels right to me. This is why I've chosen to deliver at the birth center and chosen to work with midwives as my primary caregivers. This is not to say that I am against medical intervention overall. I'm quite aware that the development of c-sections and other techniques have literally saved the lives of countless women and children, and under life threatening circumstances I would not hesitate to make use of such options, and would feel good about doing so. However, I am also aware that women are frequently pressured or guided towards interventions that are not medically necessary. I'll give an example. If my labor stalls at 7 centimeters dilated, a doctor, due to their training, might first suggest Pitocin. A midwife, due to their training, might first suggest movement, change of position, etc, before moving on to suggest Pitocin. (My assumption: Pitocin = increased need for epidural = increased possibility of c-section.) My fear is that if I am not attended at birth by the midwives (and it remains unclear whether they will be available after Jan. 1st) that in the midst of the stress and strain of labor I will be talked into doing something that I later regret. I'll repeat, if I have a c-section because it was medically necessary, I will feel good about making that choice. But if I look back and feel that I had one because I was pressured and lost control of the situation, I'll be pissed and saddened. Also, I just hate the idea of being attended in labor by someone I've never laid eyes on. And this is causing me a lot of anxiety.

So, what to do?

1. Right now we are trying to make appointments to meet the three additional doctors in the practice in order to see what their birthing philosophy is. We still may not be able to get appts with all of them before I go into labor (my next appt is at 37 weeks) and if we end up not liking or agreeing with one of them, it's still tough shit if that's the person who is on call when I go into labor.

2. Throw a fit and insist to work with the midwives, since that's why we came to the practice in the first place. Insist that we will leave the practice to be attended by the midwives if necessary. (I don't know if that's even a possibility.) (Also, I want to add that while I like both of the midwives, I'm not "in love" with them - that's Asia's phrase. The main reason I prefer them is that I trust their birthing philosophy, and they are the practitioners I've been meeting with for the last five months.)

3. Hire a doula/labor coach so that someone will be there to advocate for me and/or suggest natural birthing interventions if something happens where my labor stalls. I must mention that Derek does not want to hire a doula because he wants the birth to be as much as possible a private event between the two of us, and he wants to be my primary support. And I want him to be, and I think he is capable of it, I'm just worried about us both being exhausted, emotional, and overwhelmed.

Any thoughts? Also, are you supposed to tip a massage therapist?

boring update for the enquiring minds who want to know

First of all, the chiropractor is working voodoo miracles and my hip feels almost normal! This is very exciting to me, and a great relief. I'm still treating it rather gingerly for fear of bringing the pain back, but I'm hopeful about this. AND I'm getting a pre-birthday prenatal massage tomorrow. woo-hoo.

Otherwise, today I am feeling extremely fatigued and just spent dinner strategizing with Derek about how to get more rest. As though I have anything to do but rest, still, it is hard to get around to it sometimes.

I had a doctor's appointment which included my first internal exam. The baby's head is right where it is supposed to be AND my cervix is beginning to efface. This means nothing, I know, I know, but still, maybe he'll be coming soon.

I go back and forth between feeling excited about going into labor and actually having the baby and feeling terrified. The birth classes are definitely helping me to feel prepared, and Derek and I talk about it a lot. Unfortunately, we are still not getting a straight answer about the midwife situation. Depending on who we talk to (receptionist, doctor, midwife) we get different info. Apparently there is a labor dispute of some sort, but they are being pretty closed-mouthed about it. As a result, Derek and I have decided to make appointments to meet as many of the doctors as possible since there is no way of knowing who will actually attend the birth. Two down, five to go. It sucks that I may go into labor and have someone that I've never laid eyes on before walk in to deliver the baby. As much as I am told that the practice in general is supportive of birth center deliveries, it would have been so much better to actually discuss this with each doctor.