Car Trouble

We discovered that the brown car, the one Derek uses to commute and the one we park on the street, had been stolen on Saturday. After making the police report, it turned out that it had already been abandoned and towed, and actually had not been stripped or (knock on wood) damaged in any way. Derek had the foresight to bring a can of gasoline, so he was able to fill it up and get it started fairly quickly. I forced him to take it to a local mechanic for a cursory inspection just to make sure it wasn't going to do something weird to him on his way to work, and we went our separate ways.

The most disturbing part of the car being stolen was that when we found it, it didn't appear to be vandalized in any way, but there was a small pile of baby clothes in the passenger seat. There are multiple disturbing levels to this, ranging from the possibility that someone stole the car with their little baby and what state their life must be in for that.

The whole morning was very stressful, and I was feeling completely ill through the whole thing. I met my co-worker in court, where I scraped another car while I was parking. (yes, I left a note like a good citizen) Court went stupidly but not particularly badly. Then I headed out for the 40 minute drive to my office, missed one of my exits trying to go from one freeway to the other, got off to turn around, got sort of lost in Glendale, began to feel sick again and decided, fuck it, not to bother going to work. Plus things were going so badly for me I was convinced that if I stayed on the road I would get into an accident. Oh, and then on my way home, I turned left on a red light, completely spaced out.

Now I'm thrilled to be at home, doing nothing. I think after this I'm going to lie in my bed doing nothing, then MAYBE I will do some housework. This is the difference between how I feel about this job and how I felt about my last job. On my last job, I got my ass there within a half hour of a traumatizing breast needle biopsy. This job, hmm, I feel slightly ill, well fuck it. This is the second time I've called in sick, hey, that's a lot for me.

In other news, I'm (Ha!) currently an emotional wreck. Probably PMS. Pretty well convinced it's not that other thing. I have NO SYMPTOMS!!! I'm having a difficult time expressing my emotions in a socially acceptable manner. We are in total limbo as to where we will be in a short few months, and I'm spending a lot of time trying to figure out how I'm going to stay sane in Ohio. ACK! (honey, if you are reading this, you know I love you soooo much, I'm just venting to my friends.)

We have so many lovely activities and trips planned out for the next six weeks that I have no doubt it will carry me through. Plus my lovely, supportive, and ever so patient husband. But I just cannot wait to feel like my life is on track again. The uncertainty, in those two areas (moving and baby) is very difficult for me to tolerate.

Better to be Pessimist?

I've been thinking today about how I am handling the "two week wait." My strategy is to be a very doubtful pessimist, assuming that I won't conceive this month in order to supposedly lessen the blow, if that actually happens.

But today I was thinking that I'll be disappointed anyway. So what if instead, I became completely optimistic, and enjoyed convincing myself that I am pregnant right now? Wouldn't that be fun? Or wouldn't I feel foolish.

I remember once when I was staying with Ms. Bri and we were watching together one of those reality shows about infertility treatment. Various couples had undergone IVF and were waiting for the results. One couple had this almost forced cheery optimism, as though they had made up their mind that they could force it into reality with positive thinking. There is a lot of belief in this, visualization and stuff like that. Anyway, it just was so painful to watch this couple when they found out she wasn't pregnant, almost more painful than to watch the others who had the same result. Thus I tend to choose pessimism.

What do my three readers think of optimism vs. pessimism?

Baby Girl

Yesterday morning D. gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She called once as she suspected she was going into labor (I just got a message as I was in a home visit) and the next morning, a few hours after giving birth. Both times, she sounded surprisingly calm and at peace. It sounded like the birthing experience went as well as it possibly could have. She said that the baby girl has lots of thick curly dark hair and a face like her mother (D's mother).

I've been feeling sad, frustrated, and even sort of shocked that I can't just get over there to meet the baby as soon as possible. Truly I wish I had been at the birthing center within hours of the birth to greet the baby. D & I lived together for over five years, so it makes me sad that I can't be there to witness this huge event of hers. Yes, Bri & Asia, I am planning to come out for a visit but I have to wait for her to tell me when is a good time, when I can find a good weekend to go, etc. The frustration is that I can't just magically appear to greet the baby. It sinks in again that I'm all the way on the west coast. Let's keep hoping for Albany. (Although I hate to hope too hard for anything, being superstitious about jinxing.)

I also feel, yes, jealous of D. having a baby now, I must admit. Jealous in the most supportive way possible, of course. Just hoping that I also get pregnant soon. Last night we went out to this hipster bar with some friends of Derek's from college and I thought, I wish I were home with a baby instead of at a hipster bar. I know I'm totally idealizing it and just "wanting what I don't have." I know when I have a baby someday I will be wishing I were out at hipster bars! And I admit that even now sometimes the consolation thoughts come up like: I kind of hope that I don't get pregnant this time so that I can go drink and even smoke a cigarette just one more time!!!

So, with all these thoughts floating around, as Derek and I were driving home (and I was driving because he didn't have his glasses) we found ourselves in a late night traffic jam on the ten. Then I noticed the billowing clouds of black smoke in the distance. As we inched closer, it was revealed that what we were passing was a car over in the right lane, completely engulfed in flames, burned black, with sparks flying and popping into the air. It was like something out of a bad movie about LA. It was horrifying. Derek convinced me that it appeared that the people in the car had gotten out before this happened, but I still don't know if he was just trying to, um, minimize the event.

20 Firsts

This is from the illustrious Ms. Bri of Unwellness. Maybe J. of Kaiserschmarm will do it too.

1. Who was your first Prom date?
I went to a tiny (I mean there were about 10 kids in my class) DoDDS school in Japan for 9th grade. Since the school was so tiny, everyone grade 9-12 could go to prom. The prom was the very night before my family was to leave Japan to move to San Francisco. I was supposed to go with my friend Chris, but Chris and others got together and decided to surprise me by having my on & off ex, Matt, be the one to actually pick me up and take me to prom. So he was a surprise prom date, and poor Chris sacrificed and went stag. Matt had his hair done in some Japanese place that day, and hmm, I'm not sure how to describe it, but it included green streaks in his hair! The next morning, everyone showed up to see me off at 6 or so in the morning, a great S*sebo tradition. Very sad.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? My sister. I shared a room with her from age 4 (when she was born) to age 15. And that definitely counts. Other than my sis, it was D. at SLC. We lived together so well that we chose to live together for 5 years after college. Thus, she was/is like another sister.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? When I was in 9th grade in Japan a senior went and bought a bottle of vodka in order to watch me and two other young friends get drunk. We split the bottle between the three of us, and had so much fun. We ran around in a Japanese playground, I cried because of Matt-mentioned-above, and then we ran around with some sailors who fortunately did not take advantage of us in our inebriated state. Does anyone else agree that getting drunk for the first time was the most fun time?

4. What was your first job? Other than babysitting, I worked for a summer program for middle school students that was run by my high school in SF.

5. What was your first car? Heh. I'm driving it now, and I've only been driving it for six months. And still, it's really Derek's little green Honda.

6. When did you go to your first funeral? The first time I remember going to a funeral was when Ms. Bri's Mom died.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your home town? I don't have a home town, being a Navy brat. The first time we moved I was 9 months old, and I've been moving ever since. The longest I lived anywhere was Brooklyn, for 9 years. I left Brooklyn last August.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? I don't really remember my first grade teacher. I loved my second grade teacher, Ms. Christ. That really was her name.

9. Your first trip on an airplane? When I was six months old, I went from Guam to Hawaii with my parents. See question #7.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I never snuck out of my own house. But when I was in ninth grade I would spend the night at my friend Aniko's and we had elaborate ways of sneaking out of her house. This involved climbing out onto a second floor window ledge, jumping to the ledges of three other buildings, jumping to a tree and climbing down the tree. Then we would run downtown at 1 or 2 in the morning, run up and down the ginza, say dirty Japanese words to drunk men, and try to sneak into pachinko parlours, karaoke bars, and discos just to see if we could. The sneaking in adventures were mostly short lived. Mostly we just ran around in the middle of the night.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? My first best friend was and is J. of Kaiserscharm, and duh, of course we're still friends. We met because we carpooled together when I was in 5th grade and she in 7th. We would cram with some other kids into the back of her Dad's VW bug and sit in the Honolulu traffic. He would drop us off at 6:30 or so and we would while away the hours until school started. We struck it off when J. came over to me to beg me for my Carnation breakfast bar that my Mom had packed for me. I still love about J. all the things I loved about her when we were kids. Her big, open heart; her sense of humor and of the absurd; her ability to be genuine and forthright under all circumstances. She's a really amazing woman. I think she really influenced me when we were kids, because I was very shy and meek, and she really opened me up and got me out of my shell.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? In a converted-mansion turned dorm at SLC, with D.

13. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsmen? My cousin's wedding when I was 22.

14. What is the first thing you do in the morning? I crawl out of bed, trying not to crush Derek or one of the cats. Then I go pee. You had to ask.

15. What is the first concert you ever went to? Depeche Mode with Bri in order to celebrate her 15th birthday.

16. First tattoo or piercing? Got my ears pierced at age 10 after begging crying and pleading with my mother, who had vowed I wouldn't get them done until I was 12. But it wasn't fair, because then she let my sister do it too, and she was only 5!

17. First Celebrity crush? This is sooooo embarrassing but I had a crush on Patrick Swayze after I watched the mini-series of North and South when I was in 7th grade. I can't believe I'm putting this on the internet.

18. Age of first kiss? 13.

19. First crush? A boy called Jason who sat across from me in fourth grade. I actually remember asking my Mom why I felt funny when I looked at him.

Jenny's Visit

Oh how I love Ms. Jenny. She made me laugh non-stop for five days straight. I feel so lucky.

Joshua Tree with Ally

Please, someone, tell me how to delete a picture when I accidentally post it twice....

Pure Bliss

Jenny and I just got back from a spa in Koreatown. The above is the name of the treatment series we received. We soaked in a mugwort bath and lazed in a jade sauna. Then our entire bodies were scrubbed down and several different good smelling things were lathered onto our bodies while we simultaneously received a deep tissue massage, facial and scalp massage. My first professional massage ever.

Now I feel just a little bit spaced out. But very clean.

Anyway, we are having a wonderful, relaxing visit, and we are having a reunion with our other friends from Japan this evening. It will be the first time all four of us have been in the same place at the same time in eighteen years. I am happy.

At least I saved money this time....

I didn't even bother to buy a pregnancy test!
Don't worry, at this point I am not too freaked out.
I will try to post pictures soon of our very relaxing trip to J-Tree.