insomnia

How lucky is it that we happen to live ten minutes away from the only hospital-based birth center in the state of Oh*o? (according to them)

We went to our orientation last night and were both quite happy with what we saw. It is actually inside the most reputable hospital in the area, with their standard L&D and NICU, etc, two steps down the hall, but entering the birth center is like entering someone's living room. There are comfy couches where your friends and family can curl up and wait (complete with DVD player), a kitchen that you can use (and bring in your own food and drink), and the birthing rooms look like bedrooms at a nice B&B, with pretty quilts, full jacuzzi's, and of course, birthing balls. I'm quite happy with this and feel that (assuming the baby decides to come within the 37 - 42 week window) we will be able to have what to me feels like the best of both worlds. And a ten minute drive from my house. Did I mention that part?

That said, the reality of the actual birth really sunk in and I spent the night with probably the worst insomnia I've had since knocked up, complete with tossing, turning, and irrational anger with Derek that he's not feeling the same anxiety because his body does not have to go through it. Damn it. I suppose there is more of this to come, and it's good to start working it through.

Otherwise, it's been a completely crappy week. Today is the one week anniversary of Ace's death, and every day has brought varying degrees of grief and depression. I feel that the trip to NY is coming at the right time.

Ace's Eulogy

Ace, my beloved cat, died suddenly yesterday afternoon at age 16, from complications of what we believe was a cancer.

Ace originally belonged to Bri's Mom. She kept him in her menagerie of animals, one of at least two marmalade-colored cats with whom she enjoyed confusing her cat hating neighbors. Ace used to run around outside by the pool, enjoying his dominance over the other cats. He was a big, fluffy marmalade cat who would always look you directly in the eye.

When Bri's Mom was dying I would sit up in the living room at night, unable to sleep. Ace would come and sit up with me, so when Bri was looking for homes for her Mom's animals I asked if I could take him.

Ace lived with me for ten years, from right after I graduated from college until yesterday. He kept me company in ten different apartments and three states, and he drove cross country twice. He slept with me almost every night for ten years. We had many adventures together (we once escaped a fire climbing down the fire escape with Ace clinging to me like a koala bear) and witnessed many people come and go from our lives, and many stay the same.

Ace liked to curl up on the pillow next to mine, curl up on my pillow so that I woudl wake with my head on the mattress, or stretch his long body across the entire bed. He was very friendly and loved to greet and get to know other people, so when we had house guests he would usually sleep with them so that they wouldn't feel lonely. The only people who didn't love him were allergic to cats.

For many years Ace was the only "man" in my bed so he was very protective and slow to warm up when Derek started coming around. Derek and I looked up from kissing (including our first kiss) many times to find Ace scowling at us with his ears turned back. One of the first times Derek spent the night, Ace woke him by spilling a glass of cold water on his head. But Ace grew to love Derek very much and I think he eventually forgot who his original companion was, and loved us equally.

As he grew older, Ace slowed down a bit but never lost his personality. He continued to enjoy his life, cuddling, purring the loudest purr I've ever heard, and remained obsessed with food. As he developed the tumor that eventually killed him, we grew increasingly concerned with his health and took many trips to the vet. Our vet in LA was concerned that the cross country trip would be too stressful for him, but Derek and I knew he was a good traveller and we refused to euthanize him before leaving LA. I will never regret that decision as he seemed to love traveling with us. He slept comfortably in his carrier during the day, purred ecstatically when we arrived at each hotel, and spent the nights cuddling with us.

He spent the night before he died sleeping on Derek's legs (his favorite spot), and he spent that day sleeping in a patch of sunlight and following me up and down the stairs as I went about my day. He died following us into our bedroom as he always loved company, and took his last breath with Derek holding one of his paws.

We miss him tremendously.

Ace and Zock with their best friend in May.

Preggo Update

My stomach has suddenly grown exponentially and I think my belly button will be poking out soon! It's all a little freaky.

The Literate Me(me)

1. One book that changed your life? Like Bri said, I became a vegetarian after reading The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood at age 15. Our Mutual Friend was the book that first began my intense love of Dickens (I loved that it was featured on Lost.). The Piggle by DW Winnicott first sparked my interest in the psychotherapy of children. I could go on.

2. One book you have read more than once? Only one? Ha. Right now I'm re-reading Steinbeck's Travels With Charley which I picked up again because of our recent cross country trip.

3. One book you would want on a desert island? I've never read War and Peace (Tolstoy) and I'd like to. It's awfully long.

4. One book that made you laugh? When I was really little I thought that Superfudge by Judy Blume was hilarious. When I was a little older (preteen) I loved Virgins by Caryl Rivers. Lately anything by David Sedaris can make me laugh out loud.

5. One book that made you cry? What the Living Do by Marie Howe

6. One book you wish had been written? I don't understand this question.

7. One book you wish had never been written? I have to second Bri on the Left Behind series. It really seems like a bad idea. Isn't there also some neo-Nazi series out there? And we could all do without Mein Kampf, right?

8. One book you are currently reading? Along with the Steinbeck I am reading various parenting books. My favorite is Touchpoints (Birth to 3) by Brazelton.

9. One book you have been meaning to read? I promised Derek I would read some Plato last month but I haven't done it yet. (I guess I should read that next.)

10. Now tag five people: J from Kaiserschmarm. I would also love to know my husband's answers to these questions. Wes? Asia?

re: pregnancy and other stuff

It's been awhile, I think, since I wrote specifically about being pregnant. I must admit there remains a small part of me that is afraid, against all logic, that I am not really pregnant. (or that something "bad" might happen) It will be a great relief when I can feel the baby moving, and I sort of wish I'd rented a Doppler for this in-between time.

However, this morning I got a good look at my naked body in the mirror and the fact is pretty unmistakable at this point: the round, full breasts - the curve of the belly - I'm definitely showing. The rest of my body hasn't changed one bit as far as I can tell. My arms still look skinny, and I noticed this morning that I can still see a few of my ribs (where they are being covered by boob). This made me worry that maybe I'm not gaining enough weight, since I'm trying hard to eat healthy and not too much junk, I thought, maybe I'm not eating enough, so I made sure to include chocolate covered raisins and a big cookie in my meals today.

I'm almost twenty weeks (18 1/2) which means almost halfway through, and I simultaneously feel that it's too much time and not enough. I know nothing about what STUFF I need for the baby. I sort of know what I need, but know nothing about stroller and carseat brands and what's better, etc., and also, I realized that I have a weird assortment of baby clothes given to me by my mother but they are not thought out at all according to season or what we might actually need, just what my mother thought was cute at T*J*M*xx. I also haven't made up my mind, or even done any research, on cloth vs. plastic diapers. Sigh. It's a good thing I'm not working.

I am starting to try to learn more about breast feeding, however, and will probably go to a few La L*che League meetings to talk to people about it and meet women here that are having babies and breastfeeding. I am anxious about breastfeeding but it's really important to me to give it my best shot, especially since I have the luxury of staying at home for more than the usual maternity leave.

In other news, I'm finding myself to be less unhappy than I expected with this whole not working thing. I was quite unhappy with my job in LA, and frankly, I'd rather be sitting at home. If I'm going to pine, it's to pine after the job/career that I had in NY, and I have not lost confidence that I will get back on track with that once we are settled somewhere. And, I've decided what to do with myself during this time (other than prepare for the little one). I do hesitate to mention this on a public forum for fear of failure and not being disciplined, but I remember when Ms. Bri did Nano she made it public and I'm sure that did make it harder to quit. So, I'm going to be writing while I'm at home. That's what I've decided, and I started my little notebook today. I don't really have an lofty goals about this, my only goal at this point is to take the chance I would have given anything for when I was 22, which is to stay at home and write instead of working myself bone tired going back and forth between two preschools. So: though it may amount to nothing more, this is a gift that I give to the 22 year old who gave up her dream. (Rather, a gift that Derek gives by bringing home the bacon right now. )

Derek just told me that he had gone into the baby's closet to look at the baby clothes (almost all supplied by my mother, so far) and think about how cute the baby would be. I have to admit that I've done the same thing, but I had no idea that he was doing it too. We are both so excited but every time we talk about how we can't wait to meet the baby we also remind it to stay inside until at least December.

My appt with the midwife earlier this week was uneventful. No sonogram but a nice healthy heart beat.

My sister has been here for the past week helping me to get settled. Not that we did much settling, but mostly just hung around together and entertained ourselves, while Derek started his first week at work. It was great to have her around, and reminded me of when we were kids and would move to new places and not know anyone else, and find creative ways to entertain ourselves. We're good at that together.