Baby Girl

Yesterday morning D. gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She called once as she suspected she was going into labor (I just got a message as I was in a home visit) and the next morning, a few hours after giving birth. Both times, she sounded surprisingly calm and at peace. It sounded like the birthing experience went as well as it possibly could have. She said that the baby girl has lots of thick curly dark hair and a face like her mother (D's mother).

I've been feeling sad, frustrated, and even sort of shocked that I can't just get over there to meet the baby as soon as possible. Truly I wish I had been at the birthing center within hours of the birth to greet the baby. D & I lived together for over five years, so it makes me sad that I can't be there to witness this huge event of hers. Yes, Bri & Asia, I am planning to come out for a visit but I have to wait for her to tell me when is a good time, when I can find a good weekend to go, etc. The frustration is that I can't just magically appear to greet the baby. It sinks in again that I'm all the way on the west coast. Let's keep hoping for Albany. (Although I hate to hope too hard for anything, being superstitious about jinxing.)

I also feel, yes, jealous of D. having a baby now, I must admit. Jealous in the most supportive way possible, of course. Just hoping that I also get pregnant soon. Last night we went out to this hipster bar with some friends of Derek's from college and I thought, I wish I were home with a baby instead of at a hipster bar. I know I'm totally idealizing it and just "wanting what I don't have." I know when I have a baby someday I will be wishing I were out at hipster bars! And I admit that even now sometimes the consolation thoughts come up like: I kind of hope that I don't get pregnant this time so that I can go drink and even smoke a cigarette just one more time!!!

So, with all these thoughts floating around, as Derek and I were driving home (and I was driving because he didn't have his glasses) we found ourselves in a late night traffic jam on the ten. Then I noticed the billowing clouds of black smoke in the distance. As we inched closer, it was revealed that what we were passing was a car over in the right lane, completely engulfed in flames, burned black, with sparks flying and popping into the air. It was like something out of a bad movie about LA. It was horrifying. Derek convinced me that it appeared that the people in the car had gotten out before this happened, but I still don't know if he was just trying to, um, minimize the event.