on my mind

I had a post in my head a few days ago about the K.'s attachment to me, newly apparent in his stranger & separation anxiety, and his ability to belly-crawl after me when I step into the next room for even a minute, the way his face lights up with delight when he rounds the corner, the fact that he chased after me so fast yesterday that he wound up with nailpolish from my freshly painted toenails in his hair, a little patch looking scarily like dried blood. It's wonderful, a sign, I hope, of blooming psychological health. (Please don't let it be hubris to say that - knock on wood!) But it also scares me, this trusting little life in my hands. I really hope I can live up to his expectations of me. I hope I can live up to what he deserves.

I guess that was the post, in a nutshell.

What's been turning over in my head lately, though, is a pretty old theme by now. The job market is beginning to roll for D. this year, all those applications are going out and bringing up for us the endless discussion: "Where will we live our lives? Where will we raise K.? What do we need to be happy? What are our priorities?" Simple questions, right? While we are waiting to find out if any new opportunities come up for him this year, I can't help but think ahead to the question of what if another job doesn't come up? Do we stay here? How long do we stay here, waiting for something to come up? Will I gradually become happy here? Have I not given the area a fair chance? Am I a horrible person and a horrible wife for even asking these questions, when D.'s current job is a good opportunity for him, and he is currently happy there?

I have more to say but baby is waking - this will have to be all for now.