AP schmapee
My dear Bri at unwellness.com (no, I have not learned how to make links yet dammit) wrote a bit about Dr. S*ears and how he is full of crap, and I decided I wanted to put in my two cents about that.
I agree with Bri, that Sears named his mish-mosh of parenting ideas "attachment" in order to align himself with attachment theory, a perfectly sound psychological theory about how the quality of attachment infants form with their primary caregivers impacts psychological development, in particular, the capacity for intimacy and for attaching healthily to one's own children. Nowhere in this theory is there a statement that in order to form a healthy attachment one must carry their baby all the time, co-sleep, breastfeed, and respond immediately to every whimper.
Wouldn't it be nice for all of us if there were such a recipe for parenting. How simple life would be. OK, if I carry my baby and sleep with my baby and do everything Sears or some book tells me (for there are similar "recipes" on the other end of the spectrum) then everything will turn out fine! Unfortunately, you can apply all the parenting techniques you want and you can still fuck up your kid. Or have your kid turn out just fine.
There is another psychological concept, this one coined by DW W*innicott, a psychoanalytic/object relations/child psychotherapist hero of mine. This concept is "the good enough mother" which I think we can modernize and call "the good enough parent." The GEP is not following a recipe, rather, the GEP has enough basic psychological health of their own to attach to their infant and provide a nurturing environment, however that might look for that particular family.
This was hard for me to believe (though I knew it objectively) as a first time parent, especially when K. was tiny. How I devoured parenting books. How I longed for a recipe. But now I think the recipe is this: Do not beat your child. Do not neglect your child. Find what feels right for your family and do it. But DO look into your own psychological health and be as self-aware as possible. Get yourself a little therapy if you think you need it (or a lot). Because that's where we have the potential to pass on whatever pathology might have been passed onto us. Not in the grand gestures, but in the subtle undercurrents. That's where we can get tripped up as parents. It's not like I obsess about this, but I do try to be aware (and probably miss things right and left).
I agree with Bri, that Sears named his mish-mosh of parenting ideas "attachment" in order to align himself with attachment theory, a perfectly sound psychological theory about how the quality of attachment infants form with their primary caregivers impacts psychological development, in particular, the capacity for intimacy and for attaching healthily to one's own children. Nowhere in this theory is there a statement that in order to form a healthy attachment one must carry their baby all the time, co-sleep, breastfeed, and respond immediately to every whimper.
Wouldn't it be nice for all of us if there were such a recipe for parenting. How simple life would be. OK, if I carry my baby and sleep with my baby and do everything Sears or some book tells me (for there are similar "recipes" on the other end of the spectrum) then everything will turn out fine! Unfortunately, you can apply all the parenting techniques you want and you can still fuck up your kid. Or have your kid turn out just fine.
There is another psychological concept, this one coined by DW W*innicott, a psychoanalytic/object relations/child psychotherapist hero of mine. This concept is "the good enough mother" which I think we can modernize and call "the good enough parent." The GEP is not following a recipe, rather, the GEP has enough basic psychological health of their own to attach to their infant and provide a nurturing environment, however that might look for that particular family.
This was hard for me to believe (though I knew it objectively) as a first time parent, especially when K. was tiny. How I devoured parenting books. How I longed for a recipe. But now I think the recipe is this: Do not beat your child. Do not neglect your child. Find what feels right for your family and do it. But DO look into your own psychological health and be as self-aware as possible. Get yourself a little therapy if you think you need it (or a lot). Because that's where we have the potential to pass on whatever pathology might have been passed onto us. Not in the grand gestures, but in the subtle undercurrents. That's where we can get tripped up as parents. It's not like I obsess about this, but I do try to be aware (and probably miss things right and left).
posted by Melissa at 7:46 PM
3 Comments:
Go Winnicott, go! He's a good one and the GEP thing is right up my alley. His ideas about transitional objects also rock on with their socks on.
Couldn't agree more with that last paragraph. You are oh so wise.
-laG
Good enough is just how I roll. This is why I avoid most parenting books, because what works for one person may not work for another. Period. The Dr. Sears book that I read was about breastfeeding, and it was fairly helpful. But I have never attempted reading one of his other books.
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