Baby Boy
So instead of taking the dreaded test today, I spent the day doing my son's laundry.
He's been quite active lately, and even seemingly responding to me. If he starts kicking and I stroke my belly, he appears to kick in that direction in response. Who knows, but it's getting easier to imagine that there's a real little person in there and I'm more and more anxious to get to know him. Thus I wanted to do something for him today and what I came up with was to launder his wardrobe. He has a lot of clean clothes! (much thanks to Laguilia)
I was pretty freaked out a month ago when I found out that I was having a baby boy. Derek and I had convinced ourselves that we were having a girl, had picked out a name and begun imagining her and everything. But then, at the ultrasound, there was a penis! And suddenly I was flooded with thoughts like, how on earth am I going to raise a boy? I don't know anything about boys or what it's like to be a boy. Will I have to step aside and will Derek be the main parent here? I know there will be things that they will enjoy together that I just can't get my heart into - sports, for example. Derek is already enjoying chanting y*nkees suck to my belly. Lovely.
But what scared me the most was all the negative feelings I have carried around about boys and men for much of my life. It's true, and those of you who know anything about my family dynamics know why. Then there was my more recent history of becoming involved with boys/men who ranged from abusive to dismissive. Basically, most of the men in my life were quite difficult (to put it mildly) until I put myself through untold years of therapy and met Derek, who is the kind of man that I didn't even believe in before.
I imagined how I would feel if I gave birth and my son had the same face as my father. A friend of mine, who has the difficult relationship with her mother, reported having similar feelings after she gave birth and was convinced that her baby daughter was an exact replica of her mother. Fortunately these feelings went away quickly. Hearing this from my friend worked wonders at "normalizing" the freaked out feelings that I was having. Now I am better able to imagine a little baby version of Derek - someone who I love and who has never hurt me and never will. Of course, I will not be giving birth to baby Derek (thank God) but I am confident that together we will put another wonderful, kind boy/man into the world.
All this to say, I am coming to terms with it, although I do still hope to have a little girl some day too. (I have to admit.) At first I felt like a monster/bad mother for having any of these feelings at all, and I was really worried about it. Now I think it's a part of the long process of recognizing my child as his own self, different from me and my imaginings, already coming into the world as someone beautifully out of my control.
He's been quite active lately, and even seemingly responding to me. If he starts kicking and I stroke my belly, he appears to kick in that direction in response. Who knows, but it's getting easier to imagine that there's a real little person in there and I'm more and more anxious to get to know him. Thus I wanted to do something for him today and what I came up with was to launder his wardrobe. He has a lot of clean clothes! (much thanks to Laguilia)
I was pretty freaked out a month ago when I found out that I was having a baby boy. Derek and I had convinced ourselves that we were having a girl, had picked out a name and begun imagining her and everything. But then, at the ultrasound, there was a penis! And suddenly I was flooded with thoughts like, how on earth am I going to raise a boy? I don't know anything about boys or what it's like to be a boy. Will I have to step aside and will Derek be the main parent here? I know there will be things that they will enjoy together that I just can't get my heart into - sports, for example. Derek is already enjoying chanting y*nkees suck to my belly. Lovely.
But what scared me the most was all the negative feelings I have carried around about boys and men for much of my life. It's true, and those of you who know anything about my family dynamics know why. Then there was my more recent history of becoming involved with boys/men who ranged from abusive to dismissive. Basically, most of the men in my life were quite difficult (to put it mildly) until I put myself through untold years of therapy and met Derek, who is the kind of man that I didn't even believe in before.
I imagined how I would feel if I gave birth and my son had the same face as my father. A friend of mine, who has the difficult relationship with her mother, reported having similar feelings after she gave birth and was convinced that her baby daughter was an exact replica of her mother. Fortunately these feelings went away quickly. Hearing this from my friend worked wonders at "normalizing" the freaked out feelings that I was having. Now I am better able to imagine a little baby version of Derek - someone who I love and who has never hurt me and never will. Of course, I will not be giving birth to baby Derek (thank God) but I am confident that together we will put another wonderful, kind boy/man into the world.
All this to say, I am coming to terms with it, although I do still hope to have a little girl some day too. (I have to admit.) At first I felt like a monster/bad mother for having any of these feelings at all, and I was really worried about it. Now I think it's a part of the long process of recognizing my child as his own self, different from me and my imaginings, already coming into the world as someone beautifully out of my control.
posted by Melissa at 7:38 PM
1 Comments:
What a beautiful, honest post. I think I've mentioned before that I had a not-so-great relationship with my mother, so having boys made me feel like I was starting from a clean(er) slate. I think parents-to-be's gender preferences usually have something to do with one's own life experiences, both positive and negative. The good news is that even when parents have the baby they didn't envision, that baby is so wonderful that it is possible and even natural to let go of some negative feelings from the past, and that in itself can be a gift. I know you and D will guide your boy to be a wonderful man, one who will be a blessing to the world. I'm very happy for you.
Post a Comment
<< Home