On Not Being There
For some reason being here has become difficult and sad again. I can't put my finger on what exactly is bringing it up, but let's try.
The blizzard is one thing. I was serious in that other post. Missing big events states the obvious: that life is going on without me, probably while I'm sitting in traffic on the 101. Feeling stressed at work makes me more likely to be grumpy and homesick in general. And then, oddly, the thought of D & Asia coming to visit makes me sad. Am I supposed to gleefully show them around, my life here? Or should we just be sad, looking together at the fact that I'm here, not there. I feel like I missed out on Asia's wedding. Obviously not the wedding itself, but all the build up, the preparation. And D's belly is going to be HUGE and I missed it, and I won't be there to visit her the day of or after the baby is born.
So there you have it, there I was, suddenly crying to myself in the midst of my morning commute, and wondering if I'd be able to pull it together before I exit for Van Nuys, or would I have to pull over to the side of the road and call in sick? Sensible as always, I made it to work. Knowing that I would be much worse off sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.
I'm generally good at appreciating what I have, and trying so hard to NOT be miserable. To pull it together this morning, I thought of all the things I do here in LA to make myself feel better. These include: exploring with Derek, going to various yoga classes, being outside in the glorious weather, and seeing R & C.
This is just to say, I'm still sad about it too, despite my best intentions.
The blizzard is one thing. I was serious in that other post. Missing big events states the obvious: that life is going on without me, probably while I'm sitting in traffic on the 101. Feeling stressed at work makes me more likely to be grumpy and homesick in general. And then, oddly, the thought of D & Asia coming to visit makes me sad. Am I supposed to gleefully show them around, my life here? Or should we just be sad, looking together at the fact that I'm here, not there. I feel like I missed out on Asia's wedding. Obviously not the wedding itself, but all the build up, the preparation. And D's belly is going to be HUGE and I missed it, and I won't be there to visit her the day of or after the baby is born.
So there you have it, there I was, suddenly crying to myself in the midst of my morning commute, and wondering if I'd be able to pull it together before I exit for Van Nuys, or would I have to pull over to the side of the road and call in sick? Sensible as always, I made it to work. Knowing that I would be much worse off sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.
I'm generally good at appreciating what I have, and trying so hard to NOT be miserable. To pull it together this morning, I thought of all the things I do here in LA to make myself feel better. These include: exploring with Derek, going to various yoga classes, being outside in the glorious weather, and seeing R & C.
This is just to say, I'm still sad about it too, despite my best intentions.
posted by Melissa at 12:06 AM
1 Comments:
love you. sorry you're sad. i'm sad about it too. here's my feeling: you leaving is a big part of it, but it's not the only part. i think things are changing anyway. we're all married now. kids are on the way for many of us. the friendships we knew are no longer the same, and we don't quite know what the new friendships -- in many cases with the same people -- are going to be like yet. i don't know, i guess this is my way of saying that while it is certainly much more intense for you because you moved away, i think i am experiencing a certain amount of what you are experiencing at the same time. or maybe i'm just feeling this way *because* you moved away.
asia
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