Yes, this is a post about love!

Anyway, something that I wrote but did not publish yesterday, inspired by someone who is reading this blog!:

I had a conversation with a friend today which reminded me of how wonderful it is to be in love. I do know this in an every day sort of way, having just gotten married (almost) three months ago. But I have to admit that being out of my element has muddled my sense of my good fortune. I've been too often clouded by insecurity: will I get a job? Will my career get back on track? Will I make friends here? Will I be a blood sucking leech forever?

But really, what it comes down to is this: That I am so blessed to have found this wonderful man who loves me, accepts me, balances me, and laughs about diarrhea with me. Of course I would move across the country to be with him. Duh!

I think part of my insecurity is that I am continually astounded that I've found my true love. The product of an unhappy marriage, from childhood on I truly believed that there were no happy couples. Sure, it appeared that some of my friend's parents had happy marriages, but I was convinced that behind closed doors, they had family secrets just like we did. Couples were really yelling at each other, crying, and putting each other down, they were just good at hiding it. Unhappiness was normal. As a teenager, I was attracted to boys "who needed to be saved". An alcoholic could melt my heart. Throw in suicidal tendencies or self destructive drug experimentation and I was gone. My high school boyfriend would hit me and then slash his wrists when I tried to leave him. After the first time he hit me, it still took me close to a year to get the fuck out.

I went to college determined never to get married or be emotionally dependent on anyone, ever. But like most people, I was still prone to falling in love. If I wasn't getting smacked around or screamed at, then it must be a good relationship, right? I had no clue.

It took five years of therapy for me to understand who I was, what I wanted , what I deserved, and how not to sabotage it once I got it. It was worth every penny and every minute spent on the subway from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side. I never thought it would happen to me because I didn't even think it existed. The man I've married actually calms, rather than exacerbates, my tendency towards anxiety, and makes me feel more, rather than less, sane. Go figure that.

In recent years, I've watched many, many of my friends find the person who seems to be their other half (to borrow from Plato as quoted in our wedding ceremony). It's amazing, and it is real.