things get better, things get worse
That's the way it goes. It is slow, riding these ups and downs.
Being unemployed makes me anxious. The job search is now in full swing, but I've no idea what to expect. In my experience, it takes awhile and is such a random process. Ads are posted, some real some not, some with specifics they are looking for that you might fit or you might not, and no way to tell when you are sending out the resume. So you have to put every bit of effort into everything, with no telling which one is real.
I've realized that I'm an intensely social person. I guess I always knew this, have always craved rewarding friendships and even sought out a career that depends on my ability to connect with people. So even though I have a wonderful husband, I am very prone to feeling lonely. Talking on the phone helps, email helps, but (unfortunately) best of all is connecting with people who are actually here in Los Angeles. And I'm grateful that they have been so welcoming.
Derek is encouraging of this, but it also puts it very starkly that it is not enough to just have each other. It will be even more challenging if next year we move somewhere that we know no one. I've been more strained by this, I think, even than I expected to be. Bri, I know you've often talked about, and even incorporated into your wedding ceremony, the importance of your community of friends supporting the relationship. It is so true for me too, that I need something outside of the relationship. It's too much pressure on the marriage, and makes me feel like we are cracking. It goes like this: I get moody and although he says he wants me to express my feelings, but my feelings are guilt inducing to him. Then I feel like I'm letting him down by not being "happy" here (and it is important to note that we could be somewhere so much worse, that LA is actually a good place to move, and that it could be worse next year), then I get panicked worried that he's going to divorce me. Yes, it quickly spirals.
Anything that helps me feel that I am building my own, independent life helps. Volunteering at the R.C., coffee with Z., making plans with Rey, even a good job lead. It is encouraging to know that these things help. But there are still the bad moods in between, and there will be for awhile.
Being unemployed makes me anxious. The job search is now in full swing, but I've no idea what to expect. In my experience, it takes awhile and is such a random process. Ads are posted, some real some not, some with specifics they are looking for that you might fit or you might not, and no way to tell when you are sending out the resume. So you have to put every bit of effort into everything, with no telling which one is real.
I've realized that I'm an intensely social person. I guess I always knew this, have always craved rewarding friendships and even sought out a career that depends on my ability to connect with people. So even though I have a wonderful husband, I am very prone to feeling lonely. Talking on the phone helps, email helps, but (unfortunately) best of all is connecting with people who are actually here in Los Angeles. And I'm grateful that they have been so welcoming.
Derek is encouraging of this, but it also puts it very starkly that it is not enough to just have each other. It will be even more challenging if next year we move somewhere that we know no one. I've been more strained by this, I think, even than I expected to be. Bri, I know you've often talked about, and even incorporated into your wedding ceremony, the importance of your community of friends supporting the relationship. It is so true for me too, that I need something outside of the relationship. It's too much pressure on the marriage, and makes me feel like we are cracking. It goes like this: I get moody and although he says he wants me to express my feelings, but my feelings are guilt inducing to him. Then I feel like I'm letting him down by not being "happy" here (and it is important to note that we could be somewhere so much worse, that LA is actually a good place to move, and that it could be worse next year), then I get panicked worried that he's going to divorce me. Yes, it quickly spirals.
Anything that helps me feel that I am building my own, independent life helps. Volunteering at the R.C., coffee with Z., making plans with Rey, even a good job lead. It is encouraging to know that these things help. But there are still the bad moods in between, and there will be for awhile.
posted by Melissa at 11:57 AM
3 Comments:
Blech. This whole you in LA thing bites. Do you have power?
That Cold Wind song you mentioned is the other one I've been listening to obsessively. How did you know?
Can I link to your blog yet? Can I? Can I?
It doesn't have to be all perfect and special and frequently written-in. Look at Liz - she hasn't written in weeks!
And if you want to sob some more at another delightful crying song, try Ben Folds, "Landed." It has the line, "Moved to the West coast, away from everyone..." ARGH.... heart... ripping....
I almost made you a mix of songs before you left but it seemed ridiculously depressing, since they would all be like, "You're moving away and I'm crying."
But I did move away, and we are crying. I'll download the Ben Folds,since I'm an unemployed downloader now.
ooookaaaaay,you can link it. How do I link to yours?
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